Little by little the days are getting longer and the nights shorter. February is around the corner and still my illness lingers. I've had chest x-rays, MRIs, blood work and physical exams and every thing comes back looking good. My doctor stated she had never seen cholesterol and sugar readings so low..... and still the illness lingers. 8 weeks now with one "little" thing after another. Doc says a CT scan is next and from there.....?

Talking to Grandma the other day, a wonderful lady of wisdom and words, I mentioned my long dark journey of ill health. As is often the case, seniority brings insight..... or desperation, I'm not sure which.... she mentioned that she had experienced a similar lingering illness. She observed that she would wake in the morning coughing and wheezing and realized that in the night her sinus' had drained and the mucous came to rest in her throat. This allowed all sorts of little critters to grow and create havoc on a nightly basis. In the midst of her sojourn she happened to catch an infomercial (or maybe a daytime talk show.... does it matter?) that was demonstrating a handy little device called a "Neti-pot". It is a small pitcher shaped pot, ceramic or plastic, that can hold about a cup of liquid. It looks very much like a coffee cream pitcher or maybe a small gravy boat. The way it works is that you fill the Neti-pot with warm salty water, force the spout up your nose as far as it will go, turn your head sideways so that the pot drains it's salty cargo up into your sinus cavity. The intended result is that you wash all the congestion out of your sius cavity and allow them to recover their health. You then repeat this procedure on the other side of your nose. Warm water, salt, spout up the snoz, tilt the head and wash away your ills! Sounds wonderful! The goal is to have the liquid go in one nostril and out the other taking all the germs with it.

I mentioned this whole ordeal to my Ukrainian friend and he said something to the effect that his Grandmother is always preaching the same method when ever one of her family has a cold. He also mentioned that he preferred an over the counter nasal spray. I had tried the sprays and they didn't seem to do more than alleviate a symptom. I wanted a cure!! So, as modern humans often do when confronted with issues they do not fully understand or control, I decided to try this "old" remedy. I found a Neti-pot at a local pharmacy. I had to ask the druggist. He had to ask the oldest clerk there. She knew what I wanted and where to find it. It was kept back on the shelf with all the prescription drugs. That should have been a clue to me! I didn't need a script to get it, just a mere $15.But, what after all, does that fee mean after the dollars I have poured into this project already. I purchased the pot and home I went. It came with a generous supply of salt packets so I could create my medicinal concoction at will. The lady at the counter mentioned that they also carry refills.

Once home I removed the packaging from the pot and examined it. It was made of a light grey plastic. The instructions explained how to make the solution and warned against water that was too hot. It also mentioned that I needed to breath through my mouth while cleansing my sinus cavity. I figured that should be easy enough since that was the only way I had been able to breath for quite some time.  I ran through the instructions mentally..... half a packet, warm not hot water, fill to the line, insert up nose, tilt head, breath through mouth, let liquid run in one nostril and out the other...... very simple and painless, right? Warning lights were flashing in my head..... do I REALLY want to pour something up my nose.....what detail am I missing here...... ? I put the contraption down, walked away, walked back and rethought...... ok, whats the worst that can happen? I have had water up my nose while swimming.... didn't kill me and it only hurt for awhile.....so what's the harm. MAYBE this will actually work and I'll feel better. I picked up the pot, ripped open the packet and poured half in. I filled the pot  with warm water and inserted the spout of the pot up my left nostril. It was a feeling of immense discomfort. I am not really sure why... it wasn't really physical.... mostly mental I think.

Now I have to tell you that standing at my kitchen sink with a pot of warm water inserted up my nose is one of the most absurd visions I can imagine. I stood there just waiting for someone to walk in and bust out laughing..... or maybe I was just rethinking this whole thing.... there is something fundamentally wrong about pouring water up your nose. Eventually I decided to just get it over with. I opened my mouth to breath, turned my head sideways over the sink and...... immediately warm water poured down the front of my shirt. I was soaked almost down to my belt. I popped the pot out of my nose and looked at it..... what the heck just happened? Not a clue so let's repeat the experiment. I reinserted the pot, opened my mouth and tilted my head. This time I must have tilted further over. The warm liquid coursed down my already soaked shirt but it also ran down the back of my throat. Breathing became difficult through the influx of salty water. Gagging and sputtering I once again pulled the pot from my nose and spit up the salt from my throat. This time, though, my nose also began to drain like crazy. There I was standing over the sink, head down snot all over my face, water running off of me from my ears to my chin..... but hey!..... it seems to have broke something free so whats left to do but try the other side.....right?

Once again I filled the pot with warm water, inserted the spout in my nostril and tilted my head. I have to tell you at this point that the effect was virtually identical to the other side.....water up my nose, water down my shirt, water down my throat, water running off my ear and snot running out of my nose, off my chin and off my ear! In all the years of my life this was NOT the most pleasant thing that I have ever put up my nose!! Nor was it the most useful. I haven't seen any solid results in my health from this. I have tried it again on 2 more occasions and I have to admit that I am getting better at it. I have learned to remove my shirt prior to administering the torture. I have learned to not fill the pot as full as instructed. I have gained a small appreciation of the technique we call water boarding and I have learned that neither one works particularly well. I also now understand in some small way why it is considered torture!!

I'm sure there is a song in all of this .....some where!!! I'm waiting for the movie...!!!

Normally (if there IS anything normal about me) I keep my views to myself or a few close friends. However, I think it's time I speak out on an issue that has bothered me for some time.

I have a growing concern that this country is headed for political and economic disaster. This is highlighted to me by watching the polls from the South Carolina primary. John McCain won the Republican end. He basically presents himself as a moderate. I believe, based on his record that he is one. However, the second place went to Mike Huckabee. Huckabee is openly right wing Christian. He is an ex-minister. How does one who believes that strongly ever stop ministering? One doesn't!! There, is the first indication of his true position. He is courting the right wing evangelical voters. These are the same people who put George Bush in office twice. Keep in mind that George Bush is also an avowed right wing Christian. Yet, he is the same man who put us into the war in Iraq. A war that we should never have gotten in to (Afghanistan is a different matter but he botched that, too). So here we have a goodly Christian man openly starting wars. What is Christian about that? Bluntly put, he is doing what the crusaders did: waging war in the name of God solely for political and economic gain. Make no mistake about that. The Iraq war is ALL about controlling the flow of oil through the Strait. We simply don't want the Iranians to choke off the oil. Stop and think about this a minute. Saddam was a strong counter measure to the Iranian influence in that area. If we had left him in place we would likely not have the increased world influence effect that the Iranians now have. I am NOT a fan of Saddam but having him in place achieved the same purpose we now have troops committed to doing. We created our own problem. In addition, if we had taken the TRILLIONS of dollars we have spent in Iraq and put it toward alternative fuel sources we would shortly be in a position to not care about the oil coming through the Strait.

So here we have a Republican, Christian President waging war in the name of God and in the process he is destroying our economy ( along with the Congress, they have blame here as well), seriously weakening our military and totally destroying the impact of the good things this country has done in the rest of the world. He has lied to us (weapons of mass destruction NEVER existed and his intelligence community told him so but he was God-bent on making war), he has broken OUR laws (waterboarding IS illegal in this country as is eavesdropping and wiretapping) he has covered up and then pardoned his cronies for breaking our laws and he has allowed this Congress (4 years of his cult and 4 of the other) to run a vibrant and growing economy into RECESSION. Make no mistake.... it will end up there!! He has acted as an Ayatollah in the White House. He believes that his word is law despite what the people want and what the laws say. He and he alone (through divine guidance?) can interpret the law!!

We are a Right wing Christian Theocracy just like IRAN is a Right wing Islamic Theocracy.
What is even worse is that we may be about to elect ANOTHER George Bush....... Mike Huckabee!!!

This country simply cannot withstand 4 or 8 more years of religious persecution at the hands of the right wing factions. If we go there I do not doubt that we will end up with a badly broken economy  and engaged in the Third World War. Yes, that sounds extreme but look at where just 8 years of having an Ayatollah in the White House has has taken us. We have gone from a budget surplus to a HUGE deficit. We have more enemies now than we did 8 years ago. Russia is re-arming to try to stave off our influence. China is developing new weapons. Pakistan is about to be over run by Right Wing Islamics. The ONLY effect we are having in Iraq is to ENDANGER this country!!

It's time to really look at what we have done to this world by allowing our politicians to swing to an extreme edge. It's time for that pendulum to swing back to the center. The center historically is always where America has been at it's best both domestically and internationally. We cannot afford for the pendulum to swing beyond center into the left wing Democratic chaos either. We need to be centered and a centering point for this world.

The choices are not good this year. Who ever we put into office is going to have to guide us out of a recession and a war. They are going to have to guide us into the future. Who we choose will determine what that future brings.

Get out and vote!!

Winter, here on the North Coast can be both beautiful and brutal. We get, some winters, more snow than most folks see in a life time. Other winters, like this one, we get small blasts here and there that last long enough to remind you that winter knows you exist.... and is just too busy elsewhere to really stay for a visit. We had enough rain in the autumn to make it impossible to get all the leaves up. In my case.... any of the leaves up. Then the snow hit, visited for a week or so and left to visit others. It left behind my piles of soggy lead-heavy oak leaves. This area ritually struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder, meaning that what little energy we do get comes from Penelec instead of the sun. So, today I am watching the sun tease me from the over cast clouds. I know it's there but like a hunter in a thicket..... I can't quite get a clear shot. I almost think that Old Sol believes that if he shows his face then Old Man Winter will return to punish us. In some strange undefined way I am greatful to not have either one.

I wanted to get out to the peninsula today to get some pics. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who would go with me to take pictures of an aging musician in a trench coat. My son is still sleeping (in that bizzare way that teens are able to do) at 2 in the afternoon. I should wake him up but the quiet of the house is as comforting as the lack of sun and snow. Strange and twisted but there none the less. I'll probably leave and go over to the recording studio later. That means I am unlikely to see either #3 son or dog-child until late. Win or lose, take it or leave it....... as Popeye would say "I Yam What I Yam"

I hope your weekend is as comfortable as mine!

  Christmas is over and the new year looms. Slowly I am feeling better. Friend Dragon tells me that in order to help the doctors get me breathing better there are a number of things I can/should do (see comments on previous blog). No beverages colder than room temp....hmmm.... that leaves out beer.... but not wine!! No milk, cheese, cream or the like.....OMG..... that's half my diet..... nothing better than a stick of chipotle cheddar cheese.... oh, alright <pout> I'll cut back! Yogurt, however, remains on my "can eat" list regardless!! She also tells me to drink tea but doesn't mention coffee (the other half of my diet). I'll have to think about this one.... been a long time since I drank much tea and then it was usually iced tea (Long Island...!!). Ibu and Acetaminophen I do work into my diet along with a certain amount of stretching. Thank you dear Dragon, I truly appreciate your advice.

One of the hardest lessons for me in all of this is that I am no longer indestructible. I have enjoyed very good health most of my life. I haven't had to worry about what I eat or drink. I have never been a smoker although I get my share of second hand smoke when I perform. To have this suddenly thrust into my life in such a big way has really been disheartening. I don't know how people with chronic conditions handle it. I hope I never have to find out.

Christmas turned out very well. Daughter-child drove out the day after and brought number-one-son with her. That was somewhat unexpected. I didn't think he was going to have time to get out here and get everything else on his agenda accomplished. They are very good young adults.... I love them dearly. I have truly been blessed to have them train me as a father. After all they have been through they are very impressive. Number-3-son, of course continues to impress me as well. He is a smart kid.....spends a little too much time at video games.... but does well in school and is working toward college. We had our Christmas on Friday morning. Mostly just stockings.... that's what they like the best. Big stockings filled with all sorts of unusual gadgets and treats. Santa works hard to be creative each year and appears to be fairly successful. The kids left on Friday afternoon.... I actually teared up to see them go. I don't do that very often..... I must be getting soft in my old and feeble age .

Saturday night I had a gig at Scotty's Cigar Bar........ sorry Dragon, I know it's not on my list of things I can do but..... couldn't pass it up. We were a 3 piece band for the night. @ guitars and a bass. The bass player is far better than either of the guitar players but he is a friend of Max's (and mine of course) and has jammed with us a number of times. He adds so much to the over all performance it is amazing. He is a professional musician. He has been playing for a living for 20 years. It's fun to work with him and learn from him. He is also a member of several other groups in the area.... he stays busy. I wasn't sure how long my voice (or my breathing ) would allow me to play. I managed to make it all night (3 hours plus time after to smooze). It wasn't until the very end that I had to hit the inhaler. The biggest problem was that the air was so dry up on stage. We had lights on us and I think that was the culprit. I would start singing and just dry up to where I couldn't hit notes. It's times like that when I appreciate that Max can take over the singing and we can trade off duties. All in all the gig went well. Max had a lot of friends show up so the party lasted until 1 am. We made $40 a piece. Not enough to live on but enough to feel good about!

New Years is next. Talk among the gang is that they will party hop and end up at my house to bring in the new year in the hot tub.... they love me for my house... lol. That's alright, though. I have no intention of repeating last years debacle of drinking to keep up with the Russians. This year I behave and watch others get hammered. I have plenty of guest bedrooms if anyone needs to stay over. I would rather they were here than out on the roads.

I wish you all well for the New Year. Bring it in safe. I am looking forward to a healthy back and no more bronchitis (I hope). Let me know how your celebration goes!!

It's been a long few months since my last entry. I made it back home for Thanksgiving. Spent 4 days with my parents. My brother and his family came up from Florida and my 2 sisters and family showed up as well. It was nice to get us all together again, nieces and nephews and grand babies. There is a lot to be thankful for in my life.

That weekend my back started bothering me. I have lower back problems. My chiropractor back home told me I have a deteriorating disk in my lower back. Not unusual for a guy my age, I suppose. Mostly it doesn't bother me. Once or twice a year it basically cripples me. That is usually after I have forgotten my age and tried to momentarily relive the exploits of my youth. This time, though I couldn't recall having done anything to it. It just ached. Maybe it was the long car ride. Or, maybe I am sitting too much at work. What ever the cause I noticed it all of the weekend. The following week at work one of my co-workers came in with a miserable cold. He was sniffing and sneezing.... pretty much contagious. Of course, he sat near me in the closed door meeting we had. By Friday I was acy and shivering. I had a gig that Friday night. By the time it was over I knew I had a bad cold. Saturday the coughing started and at some point during the weekend I coughed so hard that my back muscles spasmed. I was in some serious pain. I trsted it like I usually did..... rest and Ibuprofin. The cold required Nyquil and Alka Seltzer Cold Med. Nothing worked for either problem. The more I coughed the worse my back got. By the end of week 2 I gave up hope of fixing myself so I went out and found a chiropractor out here. He is a young guy, new baby, new practice. He seems to know what he is doing. I was able to stagger into his office. It was a bad day weather wise. Blizzard warnings and low visibility. Driving was difficult at best and with a spazzing back putting on the brake was pure agony. I tried to pick roads that didn't have much traffic and few stop lights. That only works for a short while in the city. By the time I got to the chiro I could barely move. He did the best he could and set me up for another appointment. I was walking better but I still couldn't bend to get into the car with out being in severe pain. The following day I had my son drive me to our family doctor. I was able to stagger my way into the office but with out an appointment they wouldn't see me. They told me to go to the emergency room.  I was furious!! As we drove away, my mind wracked with pain I got madder and madder. I finally made my son turn us around and I went back to the clinic. I demanded to see the manager.... she was at a meeting but would be back at 4pm. They gave me her number. I romised to pull my business from them. I can understand that with out an appointment I can't be seen right away but..... not at all!!! Why do I need a primary care physician who doesn't want to see me first!!? Long story short : by the time the manager called I had calmed down some. We talked it through and I told her exactly what I thought of doctors who won't see their patients. I told her I was in pain and couldn't move. They wanted me to stagger back out to my car, drive across town, fall back out of the car, sit in an emergency room for 3 hours before I would get treated? I would have preferred to sit in her office and wait the three hours and skip the pain of getting in and out of the car. We talked it through, she offered me an appointment the following day, I left my business with them!

At the appointment I was diagnosed with an ear infection. This on top of the severe cold in my chest and the paralyzing pain in my back. for the next week I lived on muscle relaxers, anti-inflamitories, anti-biotics and codeine cough medicine. Better living through chemistry. By the end of week 3 I was feeling better overall from the drugs and the chiropractor but the cough was getting worse. It finally degenerated to the point where when I coughed I couldn't catch my breath. It was horrible. I could cough out but it was like my lungs constricted when I tried to breathe in. All I could do was wheeze until I almost would pass out. Eventually I would relax enough that I could breathe again. After 4 or so episodes of this I was scared enough to go to the emergency room. There (after about 3 hours) they took chest xrays and found nothing. They weren't sure what I had but for lack of a better conclusion they decided to call it bronchitis. Apparently when I cough my bronchia (?) spasm and won't take air in. Made sense once they explained it to me..... that is exactly how it felt. So.... they prescribed an inhaler and sent me home. Geez.... I haven't been on this many drugs since my college days!!

So, here I am.... humbugging Christmas, feeling sorry for myself ( I am usually a very healthy person so this little bout of illness really has me bothered) and longing for warmer weather.But, as I stated earlier..... there is a lot to be thankful for in my life! My daughter will be home for Christmas, my kids are all healthy, my parents are still alive, I have several new songs to record and.... little by little I am getting over this cold!!

Merry Christmas everyone!! Sometimes it is hard to do but try  to focus on the good in your life this Christmas season!!

It's Sunday, the end of September. The colors up in the hills south of town are starting to peek out of their green hiding places. I love this time of year. It helps my mood..... as long as I don't contemplate the coming winter too much. The past days since I wrote last have been a mix of ups and downs. Definitely my mood has improved. Usually my little bouts of depression are short lived. Usually they are triggered by stress in my life. So, since I am, at my core, a fairly happy person I can always find a way out. Sleep helps..... so does eating regularly...... as does having something new or exciting to focus on again.

Let's do a run down..... #3 son totalled my second car (depression). Young driver, wet roads..... all the classic stuff. The car is a 1995 so it's age precludes repair. If it was a much newer car I would likely try to fix it. The worst thing is that I put 4 new tires on it in July...... I hate when that happens.

I am on vacation for the coming week (elation). My number 2 son is flying out from Reno (elation) to visit for a few days. He is bringing his mother with him ( slightly elevated, we get a long fine these days). However, that means I have to do a thorough scrub on my house (depressing, but it does need it badly ahead of winter anyway). The coming weekend will see us drive back to Michigan (depressing because of the $$$)(depressing because dog-child will have to be kenneled and he doesn't like that) to see my baby girl perform (really EXCITING...... I can't wait!!). #3 and I will then have to drive back a little over 24 hours later (depressing..... I hate the whirlwind tour thing)(depressing because I will have to go back to work on the following day)(elation because I get to see dog-child again). So the tally is 5 depressing things to 4 elating things.....however, seeing daughter child and #2 son trumps it all so I'm in the positive emotionally!!!

We had a 2 hour gig last Friday at a really wonderful art gallery. We weren't fully prepared for it (depressing) seems like there is never enough time. We didn't make any money (ok, that's a wash because I truly don't care....lol) but we got fed and wined(positive). Friends of mine showed up. They are kind of my "circle" of friends related to the music we do. Basically, family and friends of my musicians friends. Not so much groupies as friends as in the TV show. They hang out at my house and come to most of our gigs, invite us out from time to time..... that sort of thing. Two of the women are very beautiful and I am very attracted to both. Both have lingering relationships with other men (depressing). You know the on again, off again thing. BOTH of them hit pretty hard on me at the art gallery (very, very much a roller coaster) One told me that of all the guys that hit on her I was the one she looked forward to (What the heck does that mean??? Does she want me to flirt with her or simply save her from the others by being around?). That really messed with my head (depressing) But.... I got really good hugs and smiles from both of them (very elating) but both are in their late 20s or so (oh, let me think..... that would make them the age of my oldest children!!!.... very depressing) ( what do women like that see in an old guy like me..... just a good friend, a sexy older guy..... geez, am I THAT old??). Anyway, I'm not even gonna count the ups and downs on that one..... I wouldn't know which is which!! At this point, 2 days later, I can truly chuckle at the whole thing and move on. We'll see what time brings.

The week after we get back from Michigan #3 son has his senior pics appointment. That, again, will be $$$. We have to do a haircut and clothes for this. Overall (if you don't count the wrecked car, Christmas and Senior pics) he's not an expensive child. Besides..... I love him dearly so that puts this account way up on the positive side.

So.... it sounds like I have recovered sufficiently from my last bout with depression. It's still out there ( I am still lazy and tired and out of shape) but if I don't dwell on that side of me then I truly have a lot going my way.

By the way..... I am upping the stress level. I have contracted (or will this evening) to go into the studio and begin putting together a good album. I'll keep you posted on the ups and downs of that project....lol!!!

Be safe and well....... if you get depressed just think of me..... there's a lot to laugh about there!!!

I just realized I hadn't been to this room of my house since April. Even then I spent very little time. I still think I have an attention disorder. I am finding it more and more difficult to just get anything done. Procrastination seems so much more attractive!! Mid-life crisis or just old age creeping up..... who knows. Somehow I have to break my little cycle of nothingness. I need to record a decent CD or write a new song..... something, anything other than just sitting and doing nothing of any importance. Yes, I am venting but I need to hear myself say these things. I have played music all summer.... on and off...... several festivals and coffeehouse gigs..... nothing that seems to satisfy. I am part of a little band.... 3 of us..... 2 full time and one when he wants....even those gigs aren't all that satisfying. I have written 2 new songs this summer but I am tired of them. Autumn is here and #3 son is now driving. He is working and going to high school. My other two sons are gainfully employed and seem to be doing ok. My darling daughter was awarded a grant to develop and produce a play at her college. She seems to be progressing very well. Something is missing in my life. I keep thinking maybe I should have a girlfriend but....so the rationale goes..... how would I have time? I barely have time to work live raise a family and a dog and play music PART TIME!!! Where would I fit a lover in at? So, I stay in the same circle and just let it keep turning.
I am too afraid of losing my job
I am too afraid of not succeeding if I quit my job
I am too self critical
I have low self esteem
I am lazy
I can't seem to stay focused
I am not excited about my life

How do I change all that?
I don't know......

.... and so the circle turns

April is drawing to a close. Summer is trying to arrive but a cold wet spring tenaciously is hanging on. I can't wait for steady sunshine and warm days. The crocus are now long gone but daffodils are in full bloom. The Tulips are up and budding so by the end of the month they should burst into full color.Even the pussy willows are being coaxed from their snug little pods by the occasional warm weather.

I played two gigs this weekend. One at Scotty's Cigar Bar and the other at the Blue Planet. The gig at Scotty's was in honor of a good friend's birthday. He holds a bash there every year and invites his close friends to play. He is probably the best bass player I have ever seen play. Just wonderful to watch. He plays all styles but loves jazz. When he is playing he just simply becomes the music. I don't know how else to explain it. The down side, of course, is that we played in a smoky bar. I was there from 6 pm to 2 am. My head was pounding when I woke up Saturday morning. It was fun to watch the different musicians ply. Different styles, different interpretations. A lot of original music. It is great to know that creativity is alive and well in the big city!

The Blue Planet, as always was a treat for me.The show started with a pianist and violinist playing classical pieces. The played well and were certainly relaxing. I was the second act. I played this one by myself. I simply wanted to get out and do my own acoustic music for a change. I feel that it is beneficial to keep my hand in as a solo act. Being solo takes a lot more nerve than being in a duo or band. In a band the other musicians can cover mistakes. Solo.... it's just you and the audience. Every missed note can be obvious. So.... I go torture myself  every so often just to see how thick my skin really is!!

I wish you all a wonderful and warm weekend!

I just realized that I hadn't written anything since January.... shame on me. Seems as though time has simply gotten away from me. I was talking to my mother tonight and told her I hadn't had a physical in 7 years. Seems I never get off work in time to go do that sort of thing. She told me I should take a vacation day and go get that done. As I was laughing at that notion I realized that I had scheduled a vacation day in order to take dog-child to the vet for his yearly shots...... but I won't do the same for me.... other than saying I am a typical guy..... what does that say about me? Do I still believe I am invincible....despite the obvious indications to the contrary? Does it mean I love DC more than myself? There is room for contemplation in this one.... if I could just find the time to do it!!

On a musical note....  : )

My summer is starting to fill in with festivals and coffeehouse gigs. I have updated my web site   www.gaffersong.com   with all the latest info. You can keep track of me there or at www.rockerie.com   go to the pull down menus and look up    gaffer   You can hear a couple of my new finger style guitar pieces there.

Recording didn't go so well this winter. I wasn't focused on the recording end of it. I kept trying to write new pieces as I was trying to learn the old ones. As a result I didn't do well with either. I have since quit the writing process and am about ready to go back to the studio and try getting something down on tape.

I'll try to get in here more often. Be safe and well!!

The winter doldrums have set in. We haven't had sunshine since the snow started. Technically, I shouldn't complain because the snow started in January so I haven't been with out sun for very long. Still...I would love some warmth. This has been an odd winter. Warm in the early parts and now below freezing every day. There is finally a little ice build up on tha lake. One night the sky cleared in the evening and we had stars and moonlight. Small ice bergs floated in from Canada.... tiny armadas of white. It was a beautiful picture but I couldn't bring myself to bundle up and go try to capture it. By morning the wind had shifted and the lake was clear again.

Dogchild, on the other hand, loves this weather. He simply begs to go out for sentinel duty. He wants to run up and down the snowy yards. He shies away from the plowed streets and makes a bee line for the drifts. It truly lightens my day to watch him have so much fun. Back at the house he is a ball of snow balls. Big clots of frozen water hanging off of him like white dreadlocks. Gotta love 'im!!!

As for my sanity..... I am working too many hours and not playing enough. This time of year is formal performance reviews for my work force. We are also pushing hard to get through a growth spurt. That means I simply do not have enough resources to get everything done timely. My boss understands that but doesn't let up!! So, it's nose to the grind stone and just keep plugging away. In what little personal time I have I am trying to write and record enough instrumentals that I can put out another CD this spring. I would really like this one to be recorded better than the last. The problem is that I tend to be a sloppy guitarist so I get a lot of rattles and buzzes. That means going back and re-recording or simply choosing to let it remain in the mix as "color". It is very frustrating but it forces me to grow as a player. In a recording where there are multiple instruments a mistake by one can be edited out much easier. In a single instrument solo piece..... it aint that easy!!!

If you would like to hear my initial samples of songs you can find them at www.rockerie.com. Look up Gaffer in the webpage area and grab a down load. You can also find them in the "New MP3" section. Let me know what you think.

The new year has begun. For me it was touch and go for a few hours. Some of my friends were going to have a get together at their house for the evening. The plan was to start around 10 pm, have a dinner and bring in the new year. I suggested that we have it at my house  since I have a larger place and a hot tub. They all agreed that bringing in the new year in the tub was THE way to do it. They warned me that they planned to party all night. I was ok with that. I didn't have to work the next day and besides.... how late can "all night" really be?

Things started pretty well. Dinner was a rack of lamb, a rack of pork and several chicken breasts marinated and grilled. To go with it I made a crab salad and a large casserole of broccoli and cheese. We also had a specialty cake to "soak up the alcohol" I was told. In addition I bought frozen shrimp to munch on, bloody mary mix, wine and some mixers. They brought Stolli vodka (a REALLY BIG bottle) and some flavored rum (another REALLY BIG bottle). I also put out dishes of candy and nuts around the house and bought several cheeses and crackers and some smoked oysters.

I have to admit that this sounds like a wonderful party fit for a good sized crowd.

There were five of us.

In retrospect that should have been my first clue that my judgement was not very sound.

The food was wonderful! the hot tub was absolutely delightful. We toasted in the new year with my favorite sparkling wine. We toasted to good friends, we toasted and toasted and then moved to bloody marys and lord knows what else. We sat in the hot tub, warm and cozy...... ok, let's work on the biology here.....warm water causes the blood vessels to open up and bring blood to the surface of the skin, this enhances the absorption rate of alcohol into the blood. Alcohol absorbed at this rate has to become noticable at some point. My point was around 3 am. I crawled out of the tub and headed upstairs. Somewhere as the haze descended like vultures on my brain I realized that all night meant "ALL NIGHT"!! For god's sake ( another single moment of lucidity popped up) I was partying with RUSSIANS!!! Russians are professional drinkers.... what was I thinking when I volunteered for this!!

Somewhere around 4:30 consciousness returned briefly to me. I found myself laying on my bathroom floor, no shirt but my cold wet swim trunks were clinging to me as tenaciously as a spider to a fly. I was cold!! In the next room I could hear the party still going on. My Russian friends (Ukrainian actually) were still going at it...laughing, singing and having fun. Worst of all they were still upright.... a position I couldn't have found with a GPS!! I finally managed to get some dry clothes on and crawl into bed..... the last thought I recall was...... "to hell with 'em..... they'll figure it out for themselves". I am not sure what I really meant by that but I suspect if there was something to figure out.... they did.

I don't know what time they left. Basically they gave up on me and moved the party back to their house. After several false starts and a number of painful trips back to the bath room (I am loathe to admit that I have rug burns on my knees..... I hope it was from crawling across the carpet) I finally managed to get some alka-seltzer to stay put and went to sleep.

I got out of bed around 7 pm New Years Day. I actually felt decent and wanted something to eat. I wandered through the house.... it was in pretty good shape. My son had put things away and cleaned up some..... and he didn't even give me a hard time when he saw me. He's such a good boy....lol!!

May your new year be full of good friends, good food and fond memories!!

This beach glass thing has grown on me somewhat. After writing my previous piece I was still faced with getting Christmas presents for my children. Being short on cash this year (many, many car repairs going on) I decided to do what I should have done years ago..... give of myself not my money. Actually, I guess it's a bit of both, still, I decided to be different this year.

I am an amature photographer and have literally hundreds of digital photos. My plan was to search out the better ones and frame them as gifts. I needed to find something unique for each member of my family so I chose to spend some time thinking it through. In the process I took a walk down to my beach and began turning stones looking for beach glass. It was simply an opportunity to get away and think. I find that the sound of the waves on the beach, the gulls calling over head, the wind softly singing and the scrunch of the sand underfoot all seem to calm me, take me away from the moment and help me focus.

I found myself alone on the beach that day. No other souls were foolish enough to brave the biting December wind. As I walked I would stoop and pick at a pile of gravel or sand. If there was a bit of glass I would turn it and decide whether or not I would keep it. I realized at some point that I was not really thinking about the glass so much as I was thinking of my daughter. I found myself thinking how much I truly love her (I would find a piece of clear white glass, large and softly rounded), I thought about what a neat child she is, full of life, a budding actress ( a soft green piece caught my eye, I put it in my pocket), my thoughts went to  how wonderful it is that she cared enough to drive 7 hours from school to be "home" for Christmas (the wave just washed in a bright yellow piece that caught my eye as the water drained away from it) and from there my thoughts went to how sad I would be if anything happened to any of my children. I cannot imagine the tearing of my heart were it to be so (beneath a small flat rock I found a tiny piece of cobalt blue  glass and one more near it and just barely sticking out of the sand).

On Christmas morning one of the presents my daughter opened was a small glass vase with a stopper. In it were the fruits of my thoughts. I had filled it with the pieces of glass that I had found over the preceding weeks. Each one unique in it's shape and size and color. She looked at me hesitantly, the question in her eye showed she wasn't sure what to make of it. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulder, looked at her and told her what this jar, with it's glass pieces meant to me. I told her to think of it as a "pensieve" such as Dumbledore used in the Harry Potter books to collect his thoughts. When he needed to re-examine a thought he could go to the pensieve, pluck it out and replace it into his memory. This little glass vase represented  many, many thoughts that had floated through my mind. Each one was a thought of her. Each one was a fragment of time and thought in which I had held her near to me. I softly pointed out that each piece in the pensieve was a little different. Some of the thoughts there were large and some small, some as clear as any thought could ever be and some clouded and unable to draw light. Some were white, some clear, some thoughts were blue and some bright and sunny. Each was what it was and is and if ever she is sad, or happy or just wanting to reach out she can go to the pensieve, empty it out and slowly touch each of these thoughts that her daddy had of her.

May you each find personal peace in this coming new year.

One of the joys of living in Michigan, for me at least, was the opportunity each spring to slip away to the woods and look for edible mushrooms. Primarily I searched for morels. Truly they didn't have a lot of flavor but what was there was heavenly. The real treat, however, was the actual search. The spring woods was just coming alive but had not yet cluttered the forest floor with vines and trailers, thorns and brambles. It provided a space of clear thought, away from the moment to moment decision making of the work day and the raising of children. I could relax, think and breath deeply. I didn't care if I discovered any mushrooms, the real treasure was being able to escape.

Now that I have moved to Pennsylvania I have less opportunity to get to the woods. For one thing, I live and work in the city. The woodlands are much farther away from me out here. Plus, I don't know the land owners or even if there are morels in these woods. This is apparently a decadent state..... they have no morels!!

There is a growing past time out here that has begun to provide me with the same reverie that hunting mushrooms did back home. I find a somewhat secluded beach (which isn't all that difficult out here) and simply walk and look at the sand and gravel at my feet. Eventually there will be the slight glitter of glass. I take a moment and sort through the sand, locate my treasure and pocket it. There is an abundance of white and brown on my favorite beach. Some you can see through and others are etched opaque. Most have soft rounded edges from their long travel through the waves and storms. I have learned that I can quickly fill my pockets with the small pieces so I have begun to be picky. Such a shame that I am moving from simple child like delight to the adultness of coveting! That characteristic IS one of the first personality traits that sets a child on the path to adulthood. I find it rather sad that we feel we must choose one over another. One is inferior in some way, not as pretty, not the right size, I don't want to choose it for my team.... I want only the best. But there it is. It is the practicality of surviving.

The real treasures are not the ones that are large or small but the ones that are unique. Color is a determining factor for me. Whites and browns are common but recently I have begun finding small pieces of cobalt blue glass. They seem to be very small at my beach but I have pocketed each one. I have also found one small yellow piece and several large sky blue pieces. So far I have not found any red pieces and don't know if they exist. Often I meet others on my beach who are also sorting through the sand and gravel of their existence looking for little bright spots of joy to cling to. We speak and often compare finds. Some times we discuss what we might do with the bits and pieces and sometimes we generously donate a special piece from our hand into the other's collection. Sometimes I see the same person on different days and we discuss children and parents and our lives as we stoop and sift through a pile of gravel together. We build a moment of community and connect to another kindred soul.

There is an entire cottage industry that is springing up out here around beach glass. Several local artisans are collecting (some even buying) nice pieces and creating ear rings and pendants and other pieces of jewelry. Some are quite beautiful. What an amazing gift to be able to take a broken discard and create true beauty out of it. For me, though, I have an etched glass vase on a shelf at home where the pieces go when I am done. There is no real purpose for them other than they are pretty in a meaningless sort of way. They do, in some way, represent a thought or a moment in time where I was outside my world and into the shear delight of discovery. For brief moments each one represents a return to childhood. What greater treasure could there be?

I promised myself that I would write a little more often. Even though I don't feel like I want to some days I feel like I should. It's not a good combination (laziness and guilt....hmmm....doesn't Garrison Keillor talk about that alot?). Inevitably I find I have something to say when I do sit down and write. Saturday and Sunday mornings are my windows of opportunity. #3 son is still in bed (which gives me until 2 in the afternoon!!) and I am really alert and rested. No one outside of my little circle of friends in here knows this blog exists. That is very comfortable and reassuring to me. I don't feel like I need to put on "airs" or be careful what I say. Kinda like having a diary.

I recently shaved my mustache off. It's been 30 years or more since I had a naked upper lip. I have to tell you.... it feels odd!! I look in the mirror in the morning and a strange man is staring back at me.... ok, there was always a strange man staring back but at least I recognized him!! The big discovery in all of this is that I have no upper lip. I had no idea my lips were so thin. I also have a small mouth.... which my mother disputes...lol!!!

So the turmoil for me is whether or not to grow it back. Max my music partner (bald with no facial hair) says I should leave it off for awhile and see if I get used to it and like it. Pretty much everyone else is being non-commital. At work I have had two women say "grow it back" and two say "don't grow it back". The sides are split along their personal preferences on facial hair.... not whether it looks good on my face or not. So, I suppose that ultimately I will have to decide. No decision is still a decision in this instance!

I have rambled and said nothing. I hope you all are well and looking forward to the coming holidays. I must go and get ready for my gig tonight. It will be an important one to me. A number of work colleagues have indicated they may show up. Wish me good playing!!

My wish for each and every one of you is that you find personal peace!!

Seems like every time I want my world to slow down I find a new way to accelerate it that is simply not resistable! Nothing much really but the granting of the wish is a 2 edge sword. We worked hard all summer to develop new products, get short notice shipments out with out dropping regular shipments, fixing equipment.....etc. Many nights I was in the plant until 8 or 9 pm. Burned to a crisp I prayed that we would survive until fall when things would slow down a little. I wasn't even wanting to face the holidays with all their hustle and crush. I simply wanted to catch up on sleep. Then, with out warning the bottom dropped out of our market. Projected sales were cut in half and we began shutting down machines. Feast to famine. I was delighted. I could get home at 5:30 and eat a decent meal, spend time with #3 son and work on new songs.

Then I began to find new places to play music in. Places I had never thought would hire a solo act or duo. In the end I am now booked every weekend but 2 through Christmas. That means practice, practice, practice. Max, my partner in music works nights so some gigs I do on my own, some with him. Plus we have to find time to practice together. Looks like I am facing the other side of the sword!

But, to tell you the truth...... this side is not nearly as sharp as the other!!

Hello all my friends and those who are wandering by

T'would appear that I have returned after a 2 month sojourn via broken computer.  #3 son (bless his little pea-pickin heart) has the puter up and running again. We thought the hard drive was shot but seems it was simply too full to divulge it's contents (constipated, so to speak). We dumped (sorry, no pun intended) the hard drive and reloaded the programs we wanted. He installed Mozilla Firefox as a browser instead of Internet Explorer, because..... as #1 son boldly stated..... "it doesn't suck all the scum from the bottom of the internet like Explorer does". Plainly speaking.... it appears to have a better firewall and virus system than Explorer. Anyway.... so far we are happy. No issues, I can come here and visit again and I can go to my other websites and update. Next comes the ability to burn CDs (Nero isn't working well).... and after that.... life IS good!!

I am keeping busy as I always do. Since July I have been averaging a gig every weekend. Some week ends I have two some I have none. Most are non-paying- get the name out gigs but I am now starting to pick up some paying gigs. I have been working with a musician who calls himself Mean Max. He is a first generation Ukrainian immigrant. I absolutely love the music he writes and I totally enjoy his perspective on life ( you know.... the immigrant ethic of work hard and nothing is impossible mindset). Our gigs consist of each of us doing some solo work and then doing an hour together. As we work up more songs we will do more of the gigs as a duo and less single stuff.

I am also trying to put together a solo album of mostly instrumental works that I have written. Time is always a factor but I am also running into my old habit of being a sloppy player. I can get away with it in concert but on a CD where the mistakes are played over and over again....lol...... I need a really good editing program and time to play with it!!

I hope all is well with all who are reading this. Be safe around the holidays. I will try to get back in here more often.... Oh, and for the record.... I HATE the new lay out of Spaces...... I truly don't understand why they have to keep screwing around with things. MSN and Yahoo do the same thing to their web sites..... <grumble>

Love ya all.... it's good to be back!!

Mid-September...... happy birthday to meeeee!!!! Don't ask for the age....k? Puter is still down. I haven't been worrying too much about it but #3 son is slowly going mad with the stupid thing. Nothing really new for me. My performance schedule continues to remain steady at roughly 4x per month. I can deal with that!! No money to speak of but I am playing the blues and payin' my dues!! The goal is to get the name recognition going by playing anywhere and everywhere I can. I play tonight at Border's and next week at 2 coffeehouses.... life IS good!! Autumn is here and the temps are changing ever so slightly. Erie is stunningly beautiful this time of year!! I hope you all are well and in good spirits. Be patient with this blog.... sooner or later I'll get the computer up and running again!!

Back in again. The puter still isn't fixed but in truth..... I haven't tried. My youngest will be returning from Reno this Tuesday. He spent the summer with his momma. He seems to be ready to come home. Dog-child got into a fight while out doing sentinal duty. He has a deep tooth mark on his shoulder. He is ok otherwise. It scared the c**p outa him....literally....about 10 steps beyond the fight point he .... well.... you know!! I had a girlfriend for awhile. She seemed to be quite smitten (her words) by me. Then, all of a sudden today she calls me up and gives me this long winding emotional ramble about how well her son likes me but that scares her because he hasn't liked any of her previous guys so she didn't have to worry about his emotional attachment (he is 14 btw) but NOW.... she no longer feels in control and that puts her outside of her comfort zone and ....well.... that makes her uncoimfortable and she wants to go back to being in control ...... Bottom line is she doesn't know what she wants (my analysis of the conversation) and as a result I don't know what she wants...... I have to seriously ask myself why I keep going through this with women. It seems like everytime I get into a relationship something scares them off. One time it was dog-child (that's what SHE said) the other times.... who really knows. It is so very predictable that I told this one a few nights before that she would eventually find something about me to make her way uncertain. She asked what it was and I told her that that was up to her.... but she would find it!! Gawd I hate it when I'm right!! Ok, I'm done ranting. We'll see what happens. On the positive side.... I am continuing to have gigs every couple of weeks or so! Time for me to go. I hope all is well in your world(s)!!